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To Touch or not to Touch

By Janet Jenson

When I accepted my first teaching job it was not at the college where I later taught, but in a fifth grade classroom in the midwest where the student-teacher ratio was 1:52. I came right out of teacher's college with no practical training other than a one short session in which my new bosses told us three things they considered important. It was emphasized that we would become history very quickly if we did not comply with these demands:

1. Submit lesson plans for the next week every Thursday,

2. Never ever admit to a student you made a mistake,

3. Never touch a student.

I did not like number two, because I felt that students would respect adults more if were were human and honest enough to own up to our own responsibility. So the first time I mispronounced a word and a smart-mouthed little kid triumphantly pointed this out, I said "I am SO sorry. Let's look the word up together in the dictionary and see how the correct pronunciation of each word is shown." I was more interested in knowledge than in saving face. I think that is one of the reasons I had very few behavior problems from the students in my huge class. I did not think I would get fired for admitting I mispronounced a word.

The other two demands seemed fairly straightforward to me. I had my lesson plans already written out for the whole year, and I could not imagine why I would ever touch a student.

But one day, the third grade teacher was out sick and they were able to find one substitute who was willing to take on my fifth graders, but nobody was available and willing to take the little ones. I admit I was scared and clueless, but somebody had to do it.

Well, then. I was not in the room 15 minutes before a little girl got up out of her seat and ran up and put both arms around me in a hug. Literal-minded as I was in those days, the first thought that came to me was "We are not supposed to touch the children." Technically she was touching me, not me her, but I honestly had no idea how to disengage her without touching back. As they say, she who hesitates is lost. So I was lost indeed when as all I could do was to stand there feeling helpless, half a dozen more little third graders rushed up to give teacher a hug. I did finally get them to go back to their seats, but it was not easy.

If you are a huggy kind of person or experienced with children you might wonder what my problem was, but I was very green around the gills back in those days and honestly expected an irate principal to come bursting into the classroom and fire me on the spot, because there was definitely a whole lot of touching going on.

Another time I looked out the window at recess time and saw one of my little guys pummeling a sixth grader in the stomach with his open fists. So I raced out onto the playground in my high heels and grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and pulled him away from the other boy taking equal care to not touch him as not to fall down. He was a good little kid who never disrupted the class and when I brought him inside to cool down, he was fine.

But the little tyke's father came in the next day demanding to know why I had touched his son. In turn, I demanded to know how a twelve year old had learned to use his fists like that and why dad thought it was ok for him to assault another student. In the heat of this discussion I forgot to mention that I had not actually touched his son, so in a few minutes the principal was at my door with the little boy on one side and his father on the other, asking me did I touch the boy. I said no. The principal then turned to the child, and asked the same question and he said no. The principal asked the boy's father "Are you satisfied?" Before rushing out in a huff, the angry and defeated parent tuned to me and yelled, "I'll have your job yet!"

I did not say a word, but I wondered what he would have done if he did have my job, as truly I do not think he could have handled it.

Contributor's Note

Please do not hit kids.

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Lol, Reg, it was the father I would like to have spanked. The problem is, he probably would have enjoyed it. The poor little kid was just trying to live up to his dad's expectations.

I commend your humility and sense of restraint - humility to own up to a mistake in front of students, who had had a wrong impression that teachers didn't make mistakes, and the ability to restrain yourself from spanking a kid bully. Honestly, to me, only the first school rule on lesson plans is helpful to the children, their parents and the community at large. Spare the rod and spoil the child, so goes the wise saying. So-called civilization has tended to deny us the application of this wisdom. Nothing should be wrong with "mild and responsible touching".

gembiz Feb 13, 2010 03:01

Great well written intel, Janet.
Children are starving for affection and attention, yet teachers and coaches are forbidden to encourage these much needed character building assets. It's a tough line to walk.
Thank you for sharing.
Best to you.
Frederick

That was my first collar, but far from my last. Yep, I had the lesson plans all made out for the year, but could never make time to go like a little kid, taking them one by one to the principal's office. Finally I just gave the whole lot of them to her and said, "Here, I am done with this!" She pretended to be horrified, but took them and did not pester me about that any more.

People are sue happy these days Janet. It is unfortunate that a teacher can not show a little affection with a simple hug but that rule protects you and the school probably more often than it would the children. There are other ways to express affection, thankfully. I do think children should be made aware of this policy so that they don't feel unappreciated. Here's an idea: when you feel like giving them a hug give them a sticker with a picture of, say, a teddy bear being hugged and say, "You deserve a hug."

tericalhoun Mar 28, 2010 23:49

It's unfortunate. It sounds as though teachers face some of the same restrictions that men in general face with children. Don't touch. Due to the bad ones, everyone suffers. I would say you handled the situation with the irate dad well.

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